San Diego Zoo - Originally Published 2010

Dear Reader, are you ready to hear about a theory I’ve been working on?  Seeing how this is America’s foremost peer-reviewed scientific journal, I think that this would be an appropriate forum to share it.  I must caution you that there is no data to back up the theory.  And I should also inform you that I have sculpted it in drives to and from work.  A nonconventional laboratory to say the least but it’s probably a nonconventional theory.

The theory revolves around the planet.  Our planet.  Moreover, it concerns us and our place within the hierarchy of the planet. 

Watch animals for a while.  They know their place.  They eat when it’s time to eat.  They sleep when it’s time to sleep.  It all seems to work.  Do you realize that there is even something called a Dung Beetle?  You know how it got that name?  It eats dung.  Why?  Because someone has to.

But let’s go back to the human animal for a minute.  We are a self-centered lot.  Even our theology reeks of it.  Think about the teachings of some of the more popular institutions.  This place is a test?  And how we perform here determines where we go when we’re done?  Really?

So here’s the theory.  It’s not our planet.  It was never supposed to be.  Before I delve deeper, I would recommend throwing on some music.  Try out Vangelis’ “Heaven and Hell: Part I”.  I find that it clears the receptors.  Carl Sagan was aware of the power of this particular tune.

If you’re still with me, you probably have a few questions.  We have grasped the power of ones and zeroes in order to communicate out here in cyberspace.  How in the world could this not be our planet?

Because, biologically speaking, we are a mutation.  That’s it.  We were a group of wandering primates that started eating fish.  The Omega-3 helped to develop an oversized brain.  We use language in order to communicate our anxieties and tools to turn on our television sets.  However, at the end of the day, we are just a small group of apes that were run out of central Africa.  This could explain the feeling of being lost that we all seem to share.

So whom was the planet intended for?  From what I’ve seen, I think it was supposed to be for the elephants and the whales.  As for us, our role better change to that of the custodian.  We need to do a better job of cleaning up after ourselves.

Julian - Originally Published 2009

My dad once gave me some advice.  “Son” he said. “Never play cards with a man named Doc.  Never eat at a place called ‘Mom’s’ and never sleep with a woman whose troubles are worse than your own.”  Sage advice from a merchant sailor.  Like most things my dad told me, I chose to go against his better judgement and ate at a place called “Mom’s”.  But more on that later.  Allow me to give you the lay of the land.

I don’t know what Tom Joad was bitching about.  I went to Julian, California in San Diego County and it looks like people have a blast picking apples.

Actually, we were a little late for the apple-picking season.  One of the draws to this historic town is that it has an idea climate for growing apples.  These days, folks from the flatlands ride up in the early fall and pay for the privilege of picking a few bushels. 

But I digress.  Like I said, we were a little late in the season for that.  So what is there to do?  The downtown is several blocks long and lined with stores that specialize in chotchkies of all variety.  On a cold fall morning, it’s striking place to wander along and window shop.  The town was founded in the 1870’s and has a plethora of historic buildings.

So back to eating at a place called “Mom’s”.  The other big industry in Julian is the apple pie industry.  I’m sure that if you ask people about the place, they’ll all have their opinions about the place to eat.  We rolled the dice on Mom’s because it had the biggest line.

And pies they had.  Pies of all variety.  Pot pies, apple pies, cherry-apple pies.  You can even choose between crusts.  I think that we found the exception to the “Don’t eat at ‘Mom’s’ rule”.

So after our pies, we wandered.  What is there to do?  Well, we got duped into seeing the Julian re-enactors.  More on that later.  If you find your way here, give this one a miss.

Another thing my dad hipped me to was walking in old cemeteries.  When I was a kid, he used to take me through hikes in the one out on South Bass Island.  Julian has a really beautiful one seated up on top of a hill at the end of downtown.

Julian makes for a nice day-trip on a fall afternoon.

Trader Sam's - Originally Published 2011

I hate to be the person to do it, but I’m going to tell you the truth about one of your childhood memories.  Let me paint the picture.  Remember when your parents would take you and your siblings to Disneyland in the summer?  And do you remember when they let you go explore the park on your own?  Your dad would tell you something like, “Keep an eye on your sister.  We’ll meet you at Mr. Toad’s Wild Ride at 4:30. Your mother and I are going to take a ride on the Monorail.”

“Taking a ride on the Monorail” was actually a euphemism for “We’re going to go and get a drink”.  Thankfully, the visionaries at the Magic Kingdom have opened Trader Sam’s, a tiki bar that will allow a whole new generation of adults to take the ride.

You can sit outside of the bar and enjoy the afternoon, but remember this is a Disney-fueled tiki bar, but I recommend that you take a seat inside.  Aside from rum-heavy fruity drinks, the Imagineers have also dropped in some surprises.  Certain drinks trigger rain to fall, a volcano to erupt, or a ship-in-a-bottle to sink. 

In typical Disney fashion, they have pulled out all of the stops when building this place.  Just take a look at the men’s room.  Tiki wallpaper, tiki door handles, and tiki sconces.  They could have scrimped, but that just isn’t the Disney way.

So aside from the décor, how are the drinks?  Really fine.  Don’t let the fact that you’re in the Disneyland Hotel deceive you.  They pack a punch.  While we were there, we watched on guy seated at the bar proudly announce to his wife, “So I’m drunk!”

Shrunken Zombie Head – Lots of rum.  Not for the inexperienced.

Piranha Pool – Kind of like a Blue Hawaii.  It has a sweet that doesn’t let up.

Tiki Tiki Tiki Tiki Tiki Room – The Trader Sam’s pina colada.  This was my favorite of the bunch.  Rumor has it, if you don’t rattle off all of the tiki’s when you order, then no drink for you. 

How about the food?  It’s good bar food.  We tried the Pu Pu Platter, the lettuce cups, and the Ahi Poke.  All of it worked.

Bruxie - Originally Published 2011

Spend some time in Southern California and you’ll end up meeting the “I Don’t Go To OC” guy.  Who is he?  He’s the guy that would rather go to a leper colony that to take a trip south on the 5.  He’ll make a fuss and act like anything outside of the 310 is the cultural equivalent of taking a trip to Mayberry. 

Here’s my take on that guy.  Stop trying to convince him to come down this way.  You know why?  Because the line at Bruxie is already long enough.  Let him be small minded and provincial.  You and I will be able to dine on waffle sandwiches and will laugh with delight knowing that our snobby friends are missing out. 

Yes, waffle sandwiches.  Waffle sandwiches of all kinds.  Sweet and savory.  Breakfast, lunch, and dinner.  And not only that, but also milkshakes.  We can eat them with glee as the “I Don’t Go To OC” guys fret over the closure of the 405.

Sergio's Leather and Belts - Originally Published 2011

You know what’s nice?  Not being destitute.  You know what’s nicer than that?  To have the resources necessary to put an artisan to work.

Ladies and Gentlemen, I hate to be a braggadocio, but three years of hard work and globetrotting have put me in such a position.  One fine Sunday found Animated Meat at the Orange County Market Place.  I happened upon Sergio’s Leather and Belts.  Sergio is a master leather craftsman.  After explaining the virtues of hard versus soft leather to me, I decided to put him to work.  What better place to embody the Animated Meat philosophy than in a belt and a wristband? 

America, what you are all witness to the first-ever commissioned work by Animated Meat.  It’s the best I can do to use my capital to support American industry.